Timothy Birdnow

I have been quite bad about going to the Ozark Hilton, that dazzling jewel in the hills, the best shack the garbage could provide. I hadn't been going because I haven't really wanted to be so far away from home with an aged father and a sick wife, and it's tough on me physically as well. In the last year Ive only been there about three or four times - and that's inadequate for a place like that, which requires a good deal of attaention. You don't build a cabin in  the deep woods out of mismatched debris and expect it to hold up without maintenance.

So Friday I decided to go. It was nice weather - warm but not too hot - and I hit the road fairly early for me (by 10 a.m.; I usually get a late start, primarily because I wait until I have evacuated my bowels lest I am forced to go on the road or worse, on my cinder block "privvy" with the green flies biting my posterioir.)

Usually I have several stops but this time all I needed was ice and a stop at the hardware store. I wanted to get some plastic roofing panels to cover my porch, lest it rot away. All I neeeded was the panels; I could have them up in probably under an hour, probably under half an hour.

So I stopped at Lowes on the way. But Lowes had the entire aisle I needed to be down closed and the guy said "come back in half an hour." I told him "or never" and left. I had to trek through this enormous store, sucking for air from my heart conditioon, only to be told to come back later!

So I left and stopped at a Home Depot further down the road. I got my roofing, no problem, and headed on down the road.

The drive was fine; I was listening to the radio and had the windows down, enjoying the road. A little too much traffic but it was one lovely day! I didn't even have to stop at for my usual outhouse visitat the state park! Things were definitely going my way!

Still, it's a long drive. 2.5 to 3 hours depending on traffic and how much I have to stop.

I turned off of Highway 67 onto 34 and found that the road was STILL closed in spots. I had to wait at the 34/St. Francis river bridge, where they have said bridge down to one lane. Then in Piedmont the whole highway was closed and I had to detour around via the Cloearwater Lake road. I really don't understand why they start projects at the same time and then don't finish them. MODOT should do things one at a time and finish what they start.

At any rate the detour means fewer people on the highway once you get past the turn back onto iti, something I found pleasing. Most people stayed on the detour all the way to the end.

So I made my turn oonto the "road" which is now overgronw where it meets the highway and hardly visible, especially to me as my eyesight isn't what it used to be. But I found it and squeezed my truck between the tightly spaced trees to drive down the hill to my famous luxury resort.

All was as I had left it, a good thing. I had feared the front door would be open, because I had to rehang it last time and it wasn't fitting quite right. But it was still shut. Good; if that door were open it would be an invitation for every critter on God's Green Earth to either nest there or at least forage for food. I've had some amazing damage done by varmints - some small varmints. Had a rat with blue eyes living in there. Blue eyes! I kid you not!  Cute as a bunny and amazingly beautiful face for a rat, but he was a destructive little love child, knocking over my oil lamps and everything else and tearing up my blankets and pillows and whatnot. I felt terrible when I put poison out for him, but what are you going to do? I'm live and let live provided everyone is reasonably respectful to each other. He was disrespecting me and the house.

Plus rats can carry diseases, something that didn't exactly thrill me.

At any rate I was quickly unloaded (boy, it's so much easier since I finally cut through that fallen tree blocking the road and can park at the door!) and began working on the roof. Well, not exactly working; I just got the panels out and laid them on the ground in preparations.

Something smacked me in the back of the head. I didn't know what it was, but thought it likely a June Bug type insect. When it did it a second time I realized I was in trouble and began trying to get the heck out of there, but it was too late. This was no June Bug, but a wasp sentry. BAM! It flew around and stung me right in the forehead. It may sound strange but I was grateful it didn't get my eyes. A was sting in the eye would probably mean blindness, if only temporary (and there is every reason to think it would not be) and I would be in deep doo-doo. How do you drive three hours with such an injury?

I high-tailed it out of there and wound up sitting in a plastic chair in my "yard" by my  truck.

The wasp didn't like that but I was outside of his security perimeter. I saw him buzzing about angrily, taking flight if I looked like I was coming back that way. Unfortunately he was between me and the cabin door, and while you can walk around it's a perilous trip with supplies as there are invisible holes in the ground that can lay you out if you step in them (they are covered with fallen leaves.) I made one trip by that route to the cabin, just enough to get some stuff there. I tried sitting on the porch but something smacked me in the chest, no doubt another friendly warning from my pal. I decided discretion is the better part of valor and went back to my seat out in the yard.

I HATE not being the top of the food chain, especially to some damnable stinging insect! 

So nothing was done. My roofing material is sitting in a wood pile, waiting for me to put it up some day. That day may not come for a while; at this time of year wasps and bees and other such critters get quite aggressive. I've been stung down there before in August. They don't like me hanging about at that time.

So the trip was a bust in terms of what I had intended to accomploish.

But it wasn't the end of the world. I sat out in the yard until it started getting late and my friends stopped buzzing around. I then hustled my remaining gear up to the cabin without incident. Spent the evening sitting on the porch, enjoying the nice evening.

It was a nice evening too.

I had trouble with my kerosene lanterns. Two new ones I had just bought wouldn't work; the little wheel that moves the wick broke and just spun, not raising or lowering the wick. One of them I had already lit and was trying to turn down; it flamed and soon was spouting fire. I managed to get it out but had to set it aside. The other new one wouldn't hold the wick either. Cheap Chinese junk! But it's all I can find at Walmart when I look for them. I am going to have to order a good lantern or two from Amazon, I guess.

My armadillo friend made an appearance as usual. Only one this time - again. I fear the worst for his or her mate. And, as armadillos are scarce in those parts, I fear the poor critter will have alonely life now that bachelorhood has been forced on the ugly little thing.

Now this armadillo lives under the cabin, something giving me a bit of pause as I just learned they can carry leprosy. I don't care to have body parts falling off of me, even if popping out a glass eye might make an interesting parlor trick. I like my eyes to remain working and in my skull. Ditto the rest of me.

But I don't come in actual contact with the critter. He's just a house guest, using a space I do not use.

So the night fell and it was black, black, black. I guess it became overcast, but you culdn't see anything beyond the limits of my lanterns. And even inside it wasn't that bright as I was only using about five lights (I use 8 to 10 when I can.) It became a little chilly and so I went inside to eat my supper - a deli sandwhich from the local Schnucks grocery store in St. Louis. I used to cook down there but it was a pain and I stopped one winter (who wants to be out in the cold barbequing on a weber grill?) Now I eat almost exclusively some sort of sandwhich. I sometimes stop at the local Subway in Piedmont on the way and buy one.

I hadn't gotten very much sleep the night before and despite my best intentions fell asleep watching the movie Gravity on DVD. I don't know what I will do when they phase out DVD players. I have a battery operated one that I can plug into a 12 volt battery, so run it all night. Since I can't see well enough to read anymore it's the main source of entertainment once the sun goes down.

Unfortunately as I was leaving the bag the player was in ripped and it fell to the ground. I have to hope it didn't break.

No sign of wasps the next moring, and I did my morning busiess quickly on my cinder block toilet then loaded up. I had a hard time getting the truck turned around; some days are like that. Some days it seems the forest is closing in and you have very little room. Others it seems like you are in a parking lot and it's the easiest thing in the world. But this time it was tight, and I had to turn around repeatedly to eventually get facing the right direction.

I bumbed a couple of trees too. I am determined to tear that once beautiful pickup to shreds!

At any rate, I was soon off and all went smoothly. Didn't even have to stop at the T.K. Birednow Memorial Outhouse on the way home!  All was right with the world!

Not sure when next I'll visit. I want to wait until the wasps stop raising Cain. But that might be October, and that will be too late for useful work down there. I really need that roof on the porch, or the porch will rot away.

Thus concludes another exciting adventure in the wilds of southern Missouri. Hope everyone enjoyed the tale, even though not a lot happened this trip.

Posted by: Timothy Birdnow at 07:25 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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