Timothy Birdnow

So, I'm down in Dogpatch, the one horse town (sans horse) near the Ozark Hilton, my famous trash dump in the pines. Dogpatch may be a one horse town but it is a TWO Family Dollar town. Anyway I go in hoping to score some toilet paper. I go to the empty shelf and gaze forlornly when a voice whispers from the shadows:

"Psst...Hey buddy!"

"Who, me?"

"The other Family Dollar just restocked. If you hurry you can score some. Everything you want...Charmin, Northern, Cottonelle...all sizes and shapes and colors. Much as you want!"

"Thanks!"

"Tell 'em Joe sent you."

Well that last was for literary effect but the rest of the conversation pretty much went that way.

I sprinted to my pickup and roared down the road, slinging gravel. Fishtailed into the Family Dollar and did my best Batman imitation into the store.

And there it was! An overhead light giving the appearance of Heaven! My heart lept for joy; it was like finding the 7 cities of Cibola, or at least El Dorado. The colors! Shapes! Sizes! Textures! All there just for the taking!  Now I know how Soviet citizens felt when they first immigrated and were overwhelmed by the sheer bounty (they had Bounty too in the towel section!)

I scooped as much as I could.

The teenage girl checking me out was taking all this in stride "Mama said we'd just jump in the shower when we run out". The young are so much more adaptive. Of course her shower drain is apt to get clogged.

The real danger was getting it into the house when I came home. I didn't like letting people see me with toilet paper; larceny may creep into the hearts of my neighbors. But have gun will travel...or have toilet paper at any rate. Nobody better lay a finger on my Charmin.

Posted by: Timothy Birdnow at 01:43 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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