October 14, 2023
Vampire Health Guidelines
Timothy Birdnow
If you plan to kill a Jewish vampire, do you use a pork steak rather than a boneless ribeye?
If a Catholic do you use a fried catfish?
A potato for a Russian orthodox?
And does a Star of David scare away the Jewish vamp? Does a crescent moon scare Muslim blood suckers?
if vampires hate sunlight are they Bohemians? Do they drink coffee in houses and listen to jazz music?
And will a vampire be healthy if he just drinks plasma and not whole blood? Do they get fat if they do nothing but whole and not 2%?
What of Hindu vampires? Can they suck cow blood?
Vegan vampires are in serious trouble, methinks! A Buddhist vamp would struggle to remain healthy and productive as he would probably not be able to touch circulatory fluid. I guess he could drink beet juice or something.
I would add black vampires would have a rough go too; black skin is evolved to block out sunlight, so they take in less vitamin D than do white folks. A black vampire would require a lot of vitamin D in his diet. An ordinary person needs 20 milligrams per milileter in their blood.
We need to consider these things if we are to have a more inclusive society and guarantee all have equal access to the benefits of a multicultural nation!
If you plan to kill a Jewish vampire, do you use a pork steak rather than a boneless ribeye?
If a Catholic do you use a fried catfish?
A potato for a Russian orthodox?
And does a Star of David scare away the Jewish vamp? Does a crescent moon scare Muslim blood suckers?
if vampires hate sunlight are they Bohemians? Do they drink coffee in houses and listen to jazz music?
And will a vampire be healthy if he just drinks plasma and not whole blood? Do they get fat if they do nothing but whole and not 2%?
What of Hindu vampires? Can they suck cow blood?
Vegan vampires are in serious trouble, methinks! A Buddhist vamp would struggle to remain healthy and productive as he would probably not be able to touch circulatory fluid. I guess he could drink beet juice or something.
I would add black vampires would have a rough go too; black skin is evolved to block out sunlight, so they take in less vitamin D than do white folks. A black vampire would require a lot of vitamin D in his diet. An ordinary person needs 20 milligrams per milileter in their blood.
We need to consider these things if we are to have a more inclusive society and guarantee all have equal access to the benefits of a multicultural nation!
Posted by: Timothy Birdnow at
12:57 PM
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1
Hilarious, to say the least. Although for your first paragraph I think you should be talking about "stakes" instead of "steaks." You're supposed to bury the vampire at a crossroads with a stake in his heart, and not waste the steak. (Or the nice bottle of wine, either.)
Posted by: Dana Mathewson at October 14, 2023 10:05 PM (Dt/Fy)
2
I know Dana; it was a pun - a bad one at that.
Posted by: Timothy Birdnow at October 15, 2023 09:32 AM (U1qfT)
3
Well, I suppose if you want to make it a pun, you can. And you can perhaps ride it a bit further if you like. That'd be a vegan vampire just going for the plasma. And probably farting a lot...
The Bohemian vampires would of course have to wear shades...
The Bohemian vampires would of course have to wear shades...
Posted by: Dana Mathewson at October 16, 2023 10:15 PM (Dt/Fy)
4
Indeed Dana. I just thought this a goofy idea that would be fun to play with.
Posted by: Timothy Birdnow at October 18, 2023 07:01 AM (eQ/0K)
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