Chapter II

In which our hero slips away from the lab and his creators must find a way to lure him back.

And so the poor creature sought to fly free from his place deep in the bowels of the Earth. For the first time in his short, short life he saw the outside, and it fascinated and frightened him. But what frightened him most was his stomach, which was growling an protesting as it had been years since anyone used it and the creature was in fact growing a bit faint from hunger. He didn't know what was driving him but clearly something was compelling him to go, to seek out...something.

He stumbled away into the hardwood forest, a newborn giant of a man.

Meanwhile his creators, Dr. Foch and Ugore, did some stumbling of their own as when the strip club closed and they were seriously intoxicated and flat broke and suffering with a, well, shall we say temporary male problem caused by over stimulation.

They got lost on the way home but eventually found their lair and, singing about hundreds of bottles of beer, they giddily approached the door of he old mine only to find it ripped from the wall. Uh-oh! The good doctor and his servant sprinted inside and found their monster had gone! This was bad; he wasn't ready for the big world. He needed to learn a LOT and he wasn't going to pick up any good habits from the folks who lived around HERE! The plan was to make the creature erudite and classy but if he took up with any of these local yokels he was liable to turn into a bib overall-wearing hayseed!

Meanwhile the monster found his way into town and wandered down the main street unmolested. Most folks greeted him with a distrustful eye, because he looked to "big city" for their tastes. He could hear them mumbling under their breath "lookee at him; who do he think he is!" as he wandered the dark streets. Eventually he smelled something, something that smelled absolutely delicious to him!

Now, a town like Mudflap isn't exactly known for gourmet food and in fact about the only place you could get good eats after sunset was...you guessed it! The flagship restaurant of the Big Fat Burger Corporation. BFB dominated the culinary scene in the town of Mudflap and even that smelled good to a man who has never tasted food in his entire life. Not knowing anything about how you get food our hero ambled inside the crowded greasy spoon as if it were a Michelin Five star Bistro.

Not yet knowing how to speak the monster moved to the counter and grunted "rrrrr" and the pimple-faced teenager with the red scarecrow hair, dressed in his spotted, clownlike uniform, didn't know what he wanted "I'm sorry sir but I don't speak Russian" the now and future counter monkey and fry cook expostulated in his cracking, high pitched voice. The monster grew agitated, pounding the counter with his enormous fist and putting a slight crack in it. The kid, afraid now, went to the back and got him some food.

Now the premier menu item of Big Fat Burger was the Obesenator. A triple patty of dubious animal matter piled high with a brownish cheese food of some sort and deep fried with Lard, the whole thing was topped off with vegetables especially grown for the company in their local farms which they had fertilized by the disposing of material by the Happy Time Port-a-Potty company, a subsidiary of BFB. There was an unfortunate side effect where all the vegetables tended to be blue, but that was easily solved; the tomatoes were then dipped in red dye #3, giving it a red hue although it had a kind of purplish tint that was a bit disconcerting if you paid attention, and the lettuce was simply needed a shot of yellow dye to make it green. Easy peasy. This whole monstrous concoction was topped with ketchup and mustard imported from the central African Republic and likely grown under similar conditions as the vegetables for the Big Fat Burger Corporation.

The Monster who would come to be called Frank didn't know any of this; all he knew was his belly was very empty and he wanted to fill it.

Diners in the restaurant found it politic to take their meals home as the enormous creature consumed well over a baker's dozen of the Coffin whistle burgers. After he was finished he let out an enormous belch that made the whole restaurant shake and then the kid at the counter asked him for payment "You owe $5.96 sir" to which the monster, now wholly puzzled as nobody had ever explained money to him, simply turned and began walking out. The kid called the local sheriff for a dine and dash.

As our hero trudged out of the finest dining in town the crowd that had fled from him ran screaming in terror. It was right at this time the local sheriff's deputies arrived, lights flashing and sirens wailing. They flung themselves out of he doors of the Crown Victoria they drove and aimed their guns at the poor creature "Freeze Dirtbag!" Now the poor fellow had no idea what either of those words meant so he started walking away. One of the deputies, a very skinny fellow with a missing front tooth and a wad of chewing tobacco dripping juice out of the hole where the tooth had previously been, opened fire with his shotgun. Not a clean shot but it hit poor Frank, who screamed in pain and took off into the night.

This incident, memorable as it may be, was the beginning of something this little town would never, ever forget.

Soothes the savage Breast

Music they say can soothe the savage breast. There was ample music and opportunity to soothe breasts in a town with a major strip club like Mudflap's but that is a whole other story.

When Foch and Ugore arrived back in town they were horrified by what they were hearing; their monster had run amok, ripping off heads and arms and urinating in gas tanks and forcing himself on the town spinsters, and mooning old lady Hagstone. He was even accused of performing Mime and doing other performance art. Foch and Ugore were terrified because this town had turned uglier than usual and they feared for their creation as the townfolk were fetching pitchforks and torches and even knife, fork, and spoon sets. They planned to lynch the poor creature, or at least drink a lot of beer while running around in the woods. It was obvious Foch had to find Frank first (he was always a frankfirster.)

How to lure the creature back without alerting the townsfolk?

Ahh....music soothe the savage breast they say. The two scientists returned home for their musical instruments. They went out into the woods and started playing.

Unfortunately this is hillbilly country and their instruments were a banjo and a squeezebox. Instead of Mozart they had to play Earl Scruggs.

How do you soothe a seven and a half foot, six hundred and fifty pound monster with Bluegrass?

But it worked; you must remember that the bodies they used to make Frank had all been born and bred here in the hills. It was as much in the monster's buish colored blood as it was in his ears.

In fact the townspeople were all drawn to where Foch and Ugore were fiddling away and pretty soon a hoe-down was in progress (including some Hoes from the nudie bar) and when Frank showed up nobody much cared. Everyone was dancing and while the monster didn't know any dance moves he did the Monkey fairly well, what with his huge arms flailing.

It turned into the greatest celebration in the town's history and even the cops slapped old Frank on the back and offered him the jug, which he drained in one enormous gulp.

The Evil Stirs

After the big Hillbilly Rave our heroes headed for home to go to bed and put the monster back in his shackles. What none of them knew, or even dared suspect, was that the evil was awakening and soon their world would change forever.

The founder and CEO of the Big Fat Burger Company was a man named Commodore Christopher Crepewurm. Crepewurm was believed to have served in the Belizian navy and he was a man who got what he wanted. What he wanted most was to dominate the burger market in a way even McDonalds was incapable of doing. It was on his orders that Dr. Foch was hired and the nanobot program wound up creating Generation H, the amazing medical breakthrough that had made the reanimation of the creature possible. And Commodore Creewurm knew he could make more money than God, almost as much as Elon Musk, if he could get Generation H to increase the volume of his burgers. Other scientists working on this project had found a way to allow the bots to grow the burger but not make the customers grow (except in their mid-sections and thighs) thus avoiding any disagreeable lawsuits.

The company had run as many lab tests as they could; now it was time to do clinical trials and roll out the end product to the public.

And where better to start than in Mudflap, Missouri? It was the home of the BFB corporation after all, and in fact if anything bad happened to the customers the Feds probably wouldn't bother coming to check as they were used to the inred folks around there having some bizarre deaths caused by genetic mutations anyway. So Crepewurm decided to roll out his product that very day when the Creature came to town.

As the monster and his creators slept peacefully, dreaming of very flexible young ladies on poles (well, Foch and Ugor did anyway) the evil began to quietly take over the town.

The Sheriff was called to the Scudly farm by Mrs. Scudly, whose teenage son had awakened in the night, rose, and subsequently began trying to eat Mr. Scudly's brain. The kid was mindlessly gnawing on his father's prefrontal cortex, and while his teeth were inadequate to break through the skull a hammer from the barn did a fine job of it. Mrs. Scudly was rather concerned and she told the Sheriff that her son had never acted out that way before tonight and she was going to have to give him a stern talking to. When they asked what the boy had done that last evening she replied "he was at Big Fat Burger with his friends but got chased out by a monster". The men shrugged; they had met the monster that night they thought he was an o.k. guy, even if they shot him. So it was just coincidental that the monster was present; generally everybody is present in a small town like Mudflap anyway.

Sheriff Pone assured the mother her kid would have a decent future "he'll be able to go into politics or somethin " the Sheriff told her soothingly. "We'uns are going to take him in for the night just to make sure he don't eat no more brains".

So with the boy in tow they started back to the station. But they didn't make it very far before another call came on the radio about a different kid eating his older brother's brain.

Now, most of the townspeople in Mudflap enjoy a good brain as much as the next man. Mostly its pig or sometimes cow. And its unfortunate but every now and then someone undercooks their brain sandwich and catch Mad Cow. But this was different; these kids were getting sick BEFORE eating the brains. One call after another came in and it was always the same, and not just kids but a lot of adults were suddenly craving the gray matter. It was obvious they weren't going to have enough room at the little jail in town and Sheriff Pone was starting to wonder what to do with them all. He called up local ranchers and asked if they could pen the zombified people in their cattle barns for the night.

It was getting serious. The Sheriff and the Mayor tried calling the Governor in Jefferson City but since they were from a different party the operator in the Capitol refused to put their call through, telling them to write a letter. They then tried Washington but the cost was too high for them and Washington refused to take a collect call. They were on their own.

Then they noticed something else, something that chilled them to the very marrow; the infected were getting bigger and stronger. Soon there would be no controlling them.

At one point a group of the zombies broke free and headed straight to Big Fat Burger, where they scarfed down the raw patties of mystery meat.

Now it was getting serious. You don't steal from the Big Fat Burger corporation!

All the while Frank and his creators slept peacefully in their coal mine, blissfully unaware of the rising danger that was surrounding them and about to force them, particularly the monster, into a decision that would change the world.

Return Again for part III of this episode.

See part one here. http://tbirdnow.mee.nu/the_legend_of_frank

Meanwhile his creators, Dr. Foch and Ugore, did some stumbling of their own as when the strip club closed and they were seriously intoxicated and flat broke and suffering with a, well, shall we say temporary male problem caused by over stimulation.

They got lost on the way home but eventually found their lair and, singing about hundreds of bottles of beer, they giddily approached the door of he old mine only to find it ripped from the wall. Uh-oh! The good doctor and his servant sprinted inside and found their monster had gone! This was bad; he wasn't ready for the big world. He needed to learn a LOT and he wasn't going to pick up any good habits from the folks who lived around HERE! The plan was to make the creature erudite and classy but if he took up with any of these local yokels he was liable to turn into a bib overall-wearing hayseed!

Meanwhile the monster found his way into town and wandered down the main street unmolested. Most folks greeted him with a distrustful eye, because he looked to "big city" for their tastes. He could hear them mumbling under their breath "lookee at him; who do he think he is!" as he wandered the dark streets. Eventually he smelled something, something that smelled absolutely delicious to him!

Now, a town like Mudflap isn't exactly known for gourmet food and in fact about the only place you could get good eats after sunset was...you guessed it! The flagship restaurant of the Big Fat Burger Corporation. BFB dominated the culinary scene in the town of Mudflap and even that smelled good to a man who has never tasted food in his entire life. Not knowing anything about how you get food our hero ambled inside the crowded greasy spoon as if it were a Michelin Five star Bistro.

Not yet knowing how to speak the monster moved to the counter and grunted "rrrrr" and the pimple-faced teenager with the red scarecrow hair, dressed in his spotted, clownlike uniform, didn't know what he wanted "I'm sorry sir but I don't speak Russian" the now and future counter monkey and fry cook expostulated in his cracking, high pitched voice. The monster grew agitated, pounding the counter with his enormous fist and putting a slight crack in it. The kid, afraid now, went to the back and got him some food.

Now the premier menu item of Big Fat Burger was the Obesenator. A triple patty of dubious animal matter piled high with a brownish cheese food of some sort and deep fried with Lard, the whole thing was topped off with vegetables especially grown for the company in their local farms which they had fertilized by the disposing of material by the Happy Time Port-a-Potty company, a subsidiary of BFB. There was an unfortunate side effect where all the vegetables tended to be blue, but that was easily solved; the tomatoes were then dipped in red dye #3, giving it a red hue although it had a kind of purplish tint that was a bit disconcerting if you paid attention, and the lettuce was simply needed a shot of yellow dye to make it green. Easy peasy. This whole monstrous concoction was topped with ketchup and mustard imported from the central African Republic and likely grown under similar conditions as the vegetables for the Big Fat Burger Corporation.

The Monster who would come to be called Frank didn't know any of this; all he knew was his belly was very empty and he wanted to fill it.

Diners in the restaurant found it politic to take their meals home as the enormous creature consumed well over a baker's dozen of the Coffin whistle burgers. After he was finished he let out an enormous belch that made the whole restaurant shake and then the kid at the counter asked him for payment "You owe $5.96 sir" to which the monster, now wholly puzzled as nobody had ever explained money to him, simply turned and began walking out. The kid called the local sheriff for a dine and dash.

As our hero trudged out of the finest dining in town the crowd that had fled from him ran screaming in terror. It was right at this time the local sheriff's deputies arrived, lights flashing and sirens wailing. They flung themselves out of he doors of the Crown Victoria they drove and aimed their guns at the poor creature "Freeze Dirtbag!" Now the poor fellow had no idea what either of those words meant so he started walking away. One of the deputies, a very skinny fellow with a missing front tooth and a wad of chewing tobacco dripping juice out of the hole where the tooth had previously been, opened fire with his shotgun. Not a clean shot but it hit poor Frank, who screamed in pain and took off into the night.

This incident, memorable as it may be, was the beginning of something this little town would never, ever forget.

Soothes the savage Breast

Music they say can soothe the savage breast. There was ample music and opportunity to soothe breasts in a town with a major strip club like Mudflap's but that is a whole other story.

When Foch and Ugore arrived back in town they were horrified by what they were hearing; their monster had run amok, ripping off heads and arms and urinating in gas tanks and forcing himself on the town spinsters, and mooning old lady Hagstone. He was even accused of performing Mime and doing other performance art. Foch and Ugore were terrified because this town had turned uglier than usual and they feared for their creation as the townfolk were fetching pitchforks and torches and even knife, fork, and spoon sets. They planned to lynch the poor creature, or at least drink a lot of beer while running around in the woods. It was obvious Foch had to find Frank first (he was always a frankfirster.)

How to lure the creature back without alerting the townsfolk?

Ahh....music soothe the savage breast they say. The two scientists returned home for their musical instruments. They went out into the woods and started playing.

Unfortunately this is hillbilly country and their instruments were a banjo and a squeezebox. Instead of Mozart they had to play Earl Scruggs.

How do you soothe a seven and a half foot, six hundred and fifty pound monster with Bluegrass?

But it worked; you must remember that the bodies they used to make Frank had all been born and bred here in the hills. It was as much in the monster's buish colored blood as it was in his ears.

In fact the townspeople were all drawn to where Foch and Ugore were fiddling away and pretty soon a hoe-down was in progress (including some Hoes from the nudie bar) and when Frank showed up nobody much cared. Everyone was dancing and while the monster didn't know any dance moves he did the Monkey fairly well, what with his huge arms flailing.

It turned into the greatest celebration in the town's history and even the cops slapped old Frank on the back and offered him the jug, which he drained in one enormous gulp.

The Evil Stirs

After the big Hillbilly Rave our heroes headed for home to go to bed and put the monster back in his shackles. What none of them knew, or even dared suspect, was that the evil was awakening and soon their world would change forever.

The founder and CEO of the Big Fat Burger Company was a man named Commodore Christopher Crepewurm. Crepewurm was believed to have served in the Belizian navy and he was a man who got what he wanted. What he wanted most was to dominate the burger market in a way even McDonalds was incapable of doing. It was on his orders that Dr. Foch was hired and the nanobot program wound up creating Generation H, the amazing medical breakthrough that had made the reanimation of the creature possible. And Commodore Creewurm knew he could make more money than God, almost as much as Elon Musk, if he could get Generation H to increase the volume of his burgers. Other scientists working on this project had found a way to allow the bots to grow the burger but not make the customers grow (except in their mid-sections and thighs) thus avoiding any disagreeable lawsuits.

The company had run as many lab tests as they could; now it was time to do clinical trials and roll out the end product to the public.

And where better to start than in Mudflap, Missouri? It was the home of the BFB corporation after all, and in fact if anything bad happened to the customers the Feds probably wouldn't bother coming to check as they were used to the inred folks around there having some bizarre deaths caused by genetic mutations anyway. So Crepewurm decided to roll out his product that very day when the Creature came to town.

As the monster and his creators slept peacefully, dreaming of very flexible young ladies on poles (well, Foch and Ugor did anyway) the evil began to quietly take over the town.

The Sheriff was called to the Scudly farm by Mrs. Scudly, whose teenage son had awakened in the night, rose, and subsequently began trying to eat Mr. Scudly's brain. The kid was mindlessly gnawing on his father's prefrontal cortex, and while his teeth were inadequate to break through the skull a hammer from the barn did a fine job of it. Mrs. Scudly was rather concerned and she told the Sheriff that her son had never acted out that way before tonight and she was going to have to give him a stern talking to. When they asked what the boy had done that last evening she replied "he was at Big Fat Burger with his friends but got chased out by a monster". The men shrugged; they had met the monster that night they thought he was an o.k. guy, even if they shot him. So it was just coincidental that the monster was present; generally everybody is present in a small town like Mudflap anyway.

Sheriff Pone assured the mother her kid would have a decent future "he'll be able to go into politics or somethin " the Sheriff told her soothingly. "We'uns are going to take him in for the night just to make sure he don't eat no more brains".

So with the boy in tow they started back to the station. But they didn't make it very far before another call came on the radio about a different kid eating his older brother's brain.

Now, most of the townspeople in Mudflap enjoy a good brain as much as the next man. Mostly its pig or sometimes cow. And its unfortunate but every now and then someone undercooks their brain sandwich and catch Mad Cow. But this was different; these kids were getting sick BEFORE eating the brains. One call after another came in and it was always the same, and not just kids but a lot of adults were suddenly craving the gray matter. It was obvious they weren't going to have enough room at the little jail in town and Sheriff Pone was starting to wonder what to do with them all. He called up local ranchers and asked if they could pen the zombified people in their cattle barns for the night.

It was getting serious. The Sheriff and the Mayor tried calling the Governor in Jefferson City but since they were from a different party the operator in the Capitol refused to put their call through, telling them to write a letter. They then tried Washington but the cost was too high for them and Washington refused to take a collect call. They were on their own.

Then they noticed something else, something that chilled them to the very marrow; the infected were getting bigger and stronger. Soon there would be no controlling them.

At one point a group of the zombies broke free and headed straight to Big Fat Burger, where they scarfed down the raw patties of mystery meat.

Now it was getting serious. You don't steal from the Big Fat Burger corporation!

All the while Frank and his creators slept peacefully in their coal mine, blissfully unaware of the rising danger that was surrounding them and about to force them, particularly the monster, into a decision that would change the world.

Return Again for part III of this episode.

See part one here. http://tbirdnow.mee.nu/the_legend_of_frank

Posted by: Dana Mathewson at October 08, 2026 11:34 PM (t37eA)

Posted by: Timothy Birdnow at October 09, 2026 01:59 AM (oflqW)

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