Timothy Birdnow

As you all know Comedian Prime Minister, er, CANADIAN Prime Minister Mark Carney (he's more a circus clown rather than a carney) is preparing for all out war with the United States, readying their Mounties for the War to End All Wars against the Great Satan to the South.

He is readying his troops, equipped with moose and brown bears. He's stockpiling important provisions, like hotcakes and donuts. Since firearms put out greenhouse gases he is instead arming his men, women, and xi with indigenous bows and arrows, and has a dance circle of natives to pray to the Great Spirit for victory. He has commissioned the building of electric powered tanks and is buying extremelly long extension cords. He has beaver building dams along major rivers to block American access to water resources. Why, he's even thinking about starting a campaign for Canadians to eat pork bellies so the Americans won't get bacon. (Now the Canadians just eat the hammy fat on the back which they call bacon.)

I am given to understand they are readying their crop duster twin propeller air force to drop fire-retardant on our forces.

Carney is getting SERIOUS!

Inspector Fenwick has Dudley Doorite ready for deployment and his girl Nell is prepared to give aid and comfort to their horses.

But the biggest weapon of all is laughter. Like the killer joe, a weaponized comic bit deployed by the British on the BBC the laughter it provoked was deadly, and P.M. Carney, having lived as a banker in Britain for years, wants a Canadian version of it. He's hired the best researchers to try to produce a Canadian version of it but they have run into snags since they fear offending any particular group.

But this weapon need not be surgical; just the sight of the Canadians standing their ground will no doubt have the desired affect, and the Americans will drop like flies in heart-stopping fits of hilarity.

We had better take this threat seriously or we'll all be eating donuts and maple syrup in the not-too-distant future. And we'll be forced to say "eh" a lot and put lots of ooo's in our words. Oooh...and we'll always have to be polite or we'll be arrested and tortured with Canadian bacon and by the insufferable passive-aggressive psychological attacks on us.

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