Santa Cross

Timothy Birdnow

Opening Statements in the Claus Trial:

Ladies and gentleman of the jury
a moment of your time
regards the case of old Kris Kringle
The kingpin of Christmas crime

The accused he goes by many names
Santa Claus or old St. Nick
But rest assured these are no games
This Kringle is quite sick

And now we'll have the charges read
a litany of crime
no worse a man was ever bred
This Santa is a slime

He lives outside our jurisdiction
on international land
he completely ignores our border restriction
and sneers at our commands

He doesn't have a green card or register his sleigh
we charge him with these crimes, oh jurors,
for starters on this day

But this is not the only evil of the rotten Mr. Claus
We have only just begun to give the litany of his flaws

On 25 December Mr. Kringle did and then
fly an unregistered vehicle into our airspace sans flight plan

Luck was with the Kringle as he should have been shot down
By F-15 Tomcat fighters as he slithered into town

And now we come to another charge
against the crooked Kris
and this one is just much too large
for anyone to miss

I submit to you and swear it's true
for your careful consideration
the charge of number four
there's more than meets enumeration

Kringle did upon this night, for everyone to see
let the record show for all to know
he trespassed on private property

And he stole Christmas cookies and he drank up their tea
he left a pile of refuse
then the criminal did flee

It's true, it's true
I say to you
we have the affidavits
testimony sworn
without reservation
by those who freely gave it

And how did he acquire all of the stuff the Claus he gave?
Word on the street is it was made by folks he had enslaved

He calls them elves and makes them work in his lair up at the pole
for endless hours of every day
no pay, not even coal!

And furthermore this Claus is known
to leer at children in the night
He likes 'em young, not grown, quite slight
I say this isn't right!

Yes good people of the jury
the charges we did file
we ask your rage and righteous fury
and convict this pedophile

And he smoke tobacco from a pipe
which is against the law
in public places he puffs away
it billows from his maw

But the charges are not yet done
against this foul and evil crook
a man so bad we all should shun
At this photo take a look

That photo is of Kringle
hard at work at Satan's task
You can see to your great horror
He does not wear a Covid mask

Yes the man is such a misanthrope
He goes from scene to scene
He never touches any soap
he spreads Covid Nineteen

He doesn't social distance; kids sit upon his knee
he never wears a mask when out
though they're cheap and often free

And as he is quite chubby
in fact morbidly obese
he flies around the country
despite our orders to decease

Never there was such a man
so villainous and vile
so crooked and insidious
so very out of style

This crime lord is quite evil
a man to make one shiver
that's why dear members of the jury
you should send him up the river

That concludes my opening statement.

Posted by: Timothy Birdnow at 02:43 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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