Timothy Birdnow

The weather in southern Missouri was beautiful, more like May than March, and you KNOW what that means!

Yes, it's time for another Ozark Hilton tale!

When last we joined our intrepid explorer his rough-hewn shanty in the deep woods had been had been defiled by what was likely some hill folk, with the place being robbed of everything of any value and everything dumped all over the fllor. He cleaned it up as best he could but the real work was awaiting his next visit, a visit that he hadn't been able to make due to cold weather and a lack of ardour on his part (I fear I'm getting old and busting my tail down there is becoming too much for me - especially in cold weather.Also,an annoying tendency to refer to onesself in the third person may mean early onset of dementia.)

So I needed to go and the weather was fine and I just couldn't come up with any good excuse not to make the 140 mile slog.(Yes, I said miles; I'm SOOO sick of t.v. programs aimed at American audiences using metric. Here in the U.S.A. we use miles and inches and pounds and ounces.)

I got a late start, primarily due to an argument on Facebook that wound up delaying me. Actually, I was a bit less than enthused to go; it takes a LOT out of me these days and I also hated to see what these meth-making brigands did to my lovely little slice of paradise. I had worked so hard in building the cabin. Not that it was done - there remains much work to finish the place, work that I fear will never happen, at least from me. And I had lots of building materials there; it is rather like staying in Fat Albert's junkyard. But it's MY junkyard,and my clubhouse (and girls are allowed, not that any have any interest in the place) and if anyone is going to trash it it should be me.

These jerks stole everything that wasn't nailed down, too; my extension ladder, something I need to get up on the roof, for instance. I've got repairs to make in the eaves but now, without my ladder, I can't do it.They stole my nails, too. And the plastic-sheet roofing that was there for just such repairs. They stole all my paint. They stole my hammers, my saws, my axes, my sledge hammer, they even stole my broom, which the local rodents had gnawed down to about ten bristles! They stole all my kerosene lamps and my kerosene, for that matter. They even stole my five gallon water jug, which was idiotic as I lost the cap long ago (I just used the water in it for cleaning.) They stole my books on wild mushrooms, wild edibles, identifying trees. But they left my pots and pans and plates, for some very odd reason. They did steal the set of knives though.

Since they had hit it again the last time I went I knew I needed to check it out.

So off I went. As usual I made my stop at St. Francis State Park and sad a spell in the dugout. Brought home a winner; Tim 1,colon 0! the crowd cheers! Sadly I had to supply my own toilet paper...

I'm going to petition the state to rename that place lovely outhouse for me; I spend so much time there that it should be the Birdnow Memorial. (Sounds about what kind of memorial someone would raise to me.) I've always said I'm going to die on the toilet (since it lacks dignity); I think I'm going to die on THAT toilet. Some teenie bopper girl park ranger will probably find my carcass on the throne, pants around my ankles, cold and stiff. Bah!

The trip was uneventful, although the constant shift from overcast and gloomy to bright and sunny made driving difficult. I have problems with my eyesight, and need to wear sunglasses in bright sun. But I also need night glasses for gloom. It was an endless battle of swapping specs. But I made it there alive, so what the heck.

I stopped at Cherokee Pass for the "good wood" at the gas station there. They always sell the best firewood; well seasoned and largely smokeless. And they have a Subway Sandwich next door, where I can get a sammy for my supper. I always buy sandwiches these days. Long ago I used to bring food down to cook; steaks, hamburgers, pork steaks, you name it. But it was always a pain; I rarely felt like eating early, and you had to cook before sundown or you would be cooking by flashlight. Then when the wasps took up residency in my two pits (which, like just about everything else down there, was scrounged for free) I gave up, settling for cold sandwiches. I don't get hungry down there as a general rule anyway. After the hillbillies tried to steal one of the pits they dumped it partway up my drive (Hah! I'll bet they got stung bad!) and the wasps vacated the premises, so I just took the pit home. My home pit was shot, and the prices have skyrocketed on new ones, so why not just bring one home? I'll have a way to cook without making the kitchen uninhabitably hot come summer - and to make it good and clean to boot.

So anyway I had little trouble, and the drive to my estate was clear. I had worried; we've had some wind and storms. I pulled up and went inside the cabin.

At first I thought they had done it again. The floor was covered with stuff and my milk crates all dumped over.

But on closer inspection I think perhaps it wasn't Zeke and Billy Bob this time. A HUGE pile of chewed paper adorned one corner; rats nest. Rats can be terribly destructive, and I think they were the ones knocking stuff over-this time. (Obviously they didn't steal my ladder or my lamps, or try to steal my barbeque pit.)

The back room was as i had left it. If it were thieves again they no-doubt would have rummaged around further in there. They hadn't hit that as thoroughly last time.So I think I have a rodent problem.

And its a pretty serious problem. Rats carry all sorts of diseases,including plague. If i get sick you know what happened to me! But then if I die of the Black Death I'll at least leave a memorable obituary...

Strangely enough I didn't hear ANY rodents in the place last night. Just once I heard some scratching. I might be able to chalk that down to the fact rats hate mice and kill them when they find them (and sometimes eat them). So if I have a rat infestation I won't have a mouse problem. And rats are much more timid around people. It may be I had some keeping quiet and out of sight.

i once had a rat in a roll of tarpaper I was going to use. I felt his furry little head when I reached my thumb inside the roll. His hair felt exactly like the hair of my old cat Goccia and before I realized it i was stroking the befuddled beast. It was just instinctive; the tactile sensation triggered the response "I love you Goccie!" A very, very confused rat jumped out of the paper and bounded away.

I was lucky; my kind treatment kept him from biting me and forcing me into a series of rabies shots.

Another time I was sitting on my porch and a rat just sauntered up and walked right in my open front door. He had amazingly beautiful BLUE eyes! I felt bad about poisoning him; but he was the fellow tearing the cabin up and so I had to commit murder most foul.

Another time I was sitting on my futon in the cabin and a mouse darted out from between my legs. He was wise to run; a big rat bounded out hell-bent-for-leather. The two ran in a wide circle and then straight between my legs against and under the futon. I didn't see them again, but I suspect the mouse wound up being rat chow.

Good! I HATE mice! It would almost be worth having a few pet rats running around in my own house just to keep the mice away.

I alos had a big black ratsnake take up residence in my cabin. I miss that fellow; he kept the rodents in check! I only saw him one time; he was laying on the floor. I just went away and when I came back he was gone. But I would occasionally hear him; they beat their tales like rattle snakes, only they don't have rattles. And they aren't poisonous. The worst he would have done to me is bite me, forcing me into a tetanus shot. Or he could have tried to strangle my leg! They are constrictors after all.

I had no rodent problem with HIM around. Wish he'd come back; he's welcome any time.

So anyway I brought a broom and dustpan and swept up all the refuse on the floor and restacked a few things. It was still pretty bad but marginally habitable - habitable enough for me.

I spent the evening sitting on the porch. Lit my lamps and then just relaxed as the light went away and that velvet darkness covered the woods like a shroud.I like it; I sit on an island of light,with total darkness just outside of the hungry grasp of my kerosene lanterns. Kerosene lamps aren't good for lighting; it's little wonder they were replaced. But the thieves stole my propane lamp and my propane bottles. They are also a pain; lasting just two hours, and they get HOT. I've burned myself more than a few times with them. Oh, and the mantles are full of heavy metals you aren't supposed to get on your skin. I wonder if my replacing them isn't what cause my heart failure?

So I use kerosene lamps and also a few battery-powered LED lights. They are adequate. Not good but adequate. I had thought of putting in a more extensive power system but the fact I can't secure them makes it impossible. I'm not just giving them to thieves! (You can see it still frosts me; I had that place for a quarter of a century with no trouble until now!)

Wildlife was scarce. I heard some things moving about in the dark last night but never did see what. There is a hole in the fallen leaves that goes under my porch and no doubt it's a critter tunnel but I never saw a critter. I used to have a pair of armadillos living under the cabin and I used to enjoy seeing them come out at dusk to hunt for bugs. But I haven't seen them for a while;I fear they may have expired. I suppose that's for the best too; armadillos can carry the plague as well as rats. (I seem destined to have an interesting obituary.)

It was dark as the inside of a stomach,but every so often flashes of lightning would illuminate the sky - a storm to the east. I enjoyed the light show; it reminded me of watching a Fourth of July fireworks display sans the booming. So it was like a strobe; flashes of God-fireworks in total silence then pitch black. Flash and dark, flash and dark. A majestic show from my humble porch in the wilderness as I sipped a couple of Urban Chestnut Stammmish Pilseners and soaked in the night like a warm bathtub.(It is helpful to consume an adult beverage when you are down there lest every noise freak you out.)

I sat out until almost ten o'clock and then went in as it was getting a little chilly. I made a modest fire with the "good wood" and settled in to watch movies on my portable DVD player. (wood is important; bad wood smokes the place up terribly, and maybe I look like an old boar but I don't need to be smoked like one.) I used to bring books down and read,but those days are long gone. My eyesight is not conducive to any reading at all, much less in a dark cabin. So I watch flicks. I plug the player in to a jump-station battery and can run it all night!

Fell asleep during the second film. I was tired. Sadly it didn't last. I have a futon by it's not really openable these days so I just leave it set up as a couch. That would be fine but there's a lot of stuff on it and I don't have anywhere to put what is there thanks to the home invaders wrecking the place.. So I have been sleeping sitting up.

Which is fine for an hour or two but it gets VERY uncomfortable before long. My legs hurt. My neck hurt. I would move around and get comfortable but that would only last a few minutes.

Not that the futon is all that comfortable. My back kills me when I lay down, and especially on a mattress without springs. I actually do better sleeping in a sitting position (provided my legs are supported). At home I've taken to sleeping in a Lazyboy.

Once it is warm enough I'll sleep in the outer room in my nice swivel chair. But until then it's the futon for me.And no sleep.

So I sat there trying to get settled enough for sleep and fed the fire. It was a LONG night!

I packed up easily and headed for home. Stopped at McDonalds for an Egg McMuffin in the great metropolis of Piedmont Mo. Of all the McDonalds breakfasts theirs is the best. They cook them as you order them there, unlike the ones around St. Louis which feeds you food that was cooked back during the Renaissance, or maybe even earlier.

It was perfect driving weather and I made it home uneventfully. Slept four hours once I got here!

That completes our tale. I'll be going back in due course, provided the weather cooperates. I'll keep you posted!

Posted by: Timothy Birdnow at 07:51 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 2396 words, total size 13 kb.