Timothy Birdnow

Just returned from the Ozark Hilton, that fabled El Dorado in the rugged hills of south-central Missouri. I hadn't been there since the burglary, and I was putting it off because I knew how much work it would require, plus I was just a little bit gun-shy - literally. The jerks who burgled the place (is that a word?) might come back while I was there - and given the prospects of facing a lot more firepower than I can muster I didn't relish a confrontation. I would be in a pickle if I did. I just can't catch up in the arms race (alright; that's out of my system.)

At any rate I had planned to go weeks ago but didn't feel well on several of my planned days, and also had to clear a couple of weeks to take care of my dear wife, who had a major eye surgery. So I put it off as long as I could.

I had little choice; felt good, had a little time, and couldn't think of a single good excuse.

So I loaded up the truck and away I went.

I had to buy all new lanterns and shlep them down with me. I knew the thieves has stolen mine. They also stole my kerosene and so I had to buy a five gallon just and kerosene (at six bucks a gallon). I'll have to haul such things in from now on; these jerks clearly have been there more than once and will come back and steal anything else I leave.

I also had to stop and buy firewood in my favorite gas station along the way. Cherokee Pass is a small town, and it used to be quite quaint, with a big motel and a couple of nice diners, a Dog-N-Suds, and a couple of antique shops. No more; the state redid the highway, bi-passing the town and now it's dead, the diners closed, the motel boarded, no Dog-N-Suds. It makes me sad to see the death of such a nice little place.

But they do have a big gas station right off the highway and they sell the BEST firewood. Large, well seasoned bundles that don't smoke much. I bought two to take with me - the thieves cleaned out my wood pile too so I would have to cut more or buy it. As at the best of times the old wood in my pile smoked and popped, I would do well to get good stuff.

Especially since my stovepipe fell down and I didn't have tie to fool with TAT. It was old-school for me; a fire in my state-of-the-art HVAC system (a metal oil drum with a hold cut n the top and a stovepipe sticking out, along with a Weber Kettle barbeque pit lid for a door) with no outlet for the smoke. You have to stay low or your eyes will burn and you'll choke. But I didn't intend to be up and about much once I went into my "bedroom". And the outer room isn't heated, so I just have to endure the smoke in one room.

Anyway, the trip was pretty uneventful. I made my customary stop at the outhouse in St. Francois State Park (they really need to put up a plaque in my honor there) and drove on down to that faraway cabin in the woods.

Once I was down I began working like a donkey. The thieves hadn't just stolen stuff - they tore stuff up and dumped everything over. I had to pick it all up, and filled up a couple of case boxes that contained paper towels with trash. I had to clear a path to the door to the back room just to see what they did there.

They tore that room up too, but not quite as bad. My blankets and pillows were all over the place, on the floor. They pulled out the storage boxes I had but at least didn't dump them all over. The little bit of firewood I had left from last year remained. They didn't steal my butcher knives (which were in a case) nor a box of ceramic plates I had there. I was excited when I found a couple of lanterns they didn't steal, but it turns out they knew what they were doing; these were ones that didn't work anyway. They stole all the candles I had brought down. That made me sad; those candles had been my mothers, and they weren't really great for the cabin. I kept them in case of need, but didn't really want to burn them. They reminded me of her (rest in peace mom!)

At any rate I worked my tail off to get the place even remotely habitable. It's still a huge mess and will require multiple visits. But at least I was able to get it ready for the night.

Not enough light, but I did o.k. I'll have to get used to that.

At any rate I sat out on the porch and watched the dying of the light. It grew cold. The thieves didn't steal my thermometer outside and it would eventually show 42* by the time I went in. No doubt it was in the thirties that night.

No critters. I had hoped to have a little company, but none of my friends appeared.

So I went inside and tied to keep below the smoke line and set up my portable DVD player. I had found the whole series of House on DVD for thirty five bucks and bought it, and thought to watch some of it. Crazy; it is out of sequential order. Who would release something out of order like that?

I fell asleep somewhere around 11:00 and woke from the cold; the fire had gone out. But it wasn't much of a problem; I just relit it and was fine. Good thing it wasn't the dead of winter! I usually sleep on a futon, and don't even open it, just sleep sitting up. It's right next to the fire barrel and the firewood so all I have to do is reach over, grab a piece of wood, and toss it (literally)into the fire. But fires don't last long without tending. In the good old days people just let them go out and froze. The Indians I am given to understand would keep one person awake at all times to tend their small fires. They didn't build big ones because of the dangers of an open fire in a tent or thatched structure, so they had children and women take turns tending the fire. I sure could use a woman or child down there in winter! I could get some sleep then!

Years ago my wife's family had an outing to Big Springs, which is only about fifteen minutes away. Big Springs is a lovely place, with an enormous, blue spring pumping huge amounts of water into the Current River. (It is, I believe, one of the largest springs in North America.) It is nestled in a little valley with a big cliff behind it, and the Ozark Hilton is part of it's water table (so when I go to the bathroom it comes out there!) At any rate we went there with two of Cathy's nieces and her brother and sister and their spouses. We had a great time; but it was unheated and in November WAY too cold. Our cabin sat on a hillside, made of native cut stone with a very high ceiling. Two fireplaces, but they were more ornamental than for heating. The place was designed to be cool, not warm.

It was the coldest night I ever spent, and I've spent 'em in tents in the snow in January. I was up all night tending the fire in the bedroom while the nieces, tucked snugly in their beds, dreamed of sugarplums no doubt. I remember thinking dark thoughts; I could just hop in the car and be at the Ozark Hilton in fifteen minutes, and warm the rest of the night! But being a man sometimes requires us to make sacrifices. So I shivered and froze and tended the fire.

I've had some really cold days at the OH too. I remember sitting in my chair at the cabin, with a beer open. I had it on the floor and it froze! That's when it's cold! I had a beer slurpee by the end.

At any rate, it sure would be nice to have someone to tend the fire while I sleep down there. But i made do.

So this morning I was up before the dawn and had to wait for the sun to pack up and leave. Hauling all my fear to the truck is not just a little dangerous because there aren't any handrails and I'm not the man I used to be. My footing is a bit shaky. At one point I almost fell, and that had the potential for real injury. But I made it out o.k.

Stopped at a state park and threw away my boxes of trash and tried in vain to use the water-closet facility there. No outhouse for me! But my body rebelled and refused to sully so luxurious and pristine a place; I would have to wait for my hole-in-the-ground outhouse in the great yonder.

It was a long drive home and I was having trouble seeing. I often do; I have a number of eye conditions and my vision suffers. I am much like Quincy Magoo, and I would advise anyone who sees me coming to give me a wide berth! I drive just fine; it's the other people who are the problem!

It does worry me though. I usually don't drive far, and avoid the highways. No way to do that if go to the Ozark Hilton.

But I made it home alive and that's a good thing. And I never once drove on a rollercoaster, or tried to steer a ship with a life preserver.

Took a nap and awoke with my body one huge cramp. I will barely be able to walk for the next day or two. But it's a good kind of pain; the kind earned and not just endured.

Anyway it won't be as long until my next Ozark Hilton tale. As the man used to say, Same Bat time, same Bat channel!

Posted by: Timothy Birdnow at 03:22 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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