In a shock move, Merrick Garland has announced that he will not prosecute Merrick Garland for contempt of Congress.

"I have investigated Merrick Garland thoroughly and I can tell you that Merrick Garland has done nothing wrong”, Merrick Garland stated to applause from Merrick Garland.

We asked Merrick Garland for an expert opinion on Merrick Garland, who confirmed what Merrick Garland said about Merrick Garland was absolutely true. "If anything, it’s clear that Merrick Garland is more innocent than Merrick Garland suggests, but I guess that’s the beauty of our system. You don’t just have to rely on Merrick Garland’s word, any other Merrick Garland can also tell you that Merrick Garland is right.”

In explaining his decision Merrick Garland stated that nobody had ever prosecuted anyone for refusing a subpoena before. When it was pointed out that Merrick Garland had agreed that Peter Navarro and Steve Bannon be prosecuted for the exact same thing that Merrick Garland had done, Merrick Garland patiently explained that Peter Navarro was not Merrick Garland, and that Steve Bannon was not Merrick Garland either.

Merrick Garland was unavailable for comment, while Merrick Garland said a strong signal had been sent that the US justice system was working smoothly and would continue to do so as long as Merrick Garland gets to decide if Merrick Garland should be prosecuted.

Merrick Garland agreed. "Nobody is above the law, and contempt of Congress is a very serious crime every time someone who isn’t a Democrat, or Merrick Garland, does it.”