Timothy Birdnow

It was time. The weather was good, everyone was safe, and I needed to strike while the price of gas was still within range (it won't be soon enough.) I had been away too long.

And that can only mean, yes, you guessed it, another installation of the epic known as the Ozark Hilton travelogues.

It's been since last October that I visited the wonderful trash palace in the pines (well, in the oaks) and that is just a place that requires visits. Built as it is out of whatever leavings I could scrounge from alleys and dumpsters, the OH is a masterpiece of terrible architectural skill, being built on the very cheap. I used the least I could get away with for most things, including such dandies as substituting 2/4 beams for the traditional 2X10's used for floor joists (my solution? Sister board them and use a lot more of them, spacing them every few inches rather than the 14 required by code.) The "original" cabin was built with just six 4x4 treated lumber posts! So, you can see, it's not exactly built to pioneer fashion. Basically it's like the kind of thing we built as children, except I could afford to buy nails whereas back then I had to make do.

At any rate it was going to be very nice so it was time to see how the old girl held up.

As usual I had to make my stop at the Timothy K. Birdnow Memorial outhouse in St. Joe State Park. This outhouse and I go way back, to the very beginning of my journeys to the deep southern part of the state. It is uncanny; as I near the park my bowels go into motion and I must relieve myself in this same outhouse EVERY SINGLE TRIP. Fortunately the State keeps it pretty clean and well stocked. There have been occasions though. I swear, I cannot imagine how people can get poop on the walls, but they seem to do it! I've encountered that more than once there. Also, how bloomin' hard is it to wiz down a giant hole? I mean, how do people leave puddles of urine on the outhouse floor? It doesn't require an air-traffic controller to successfully aim. I'm sorry, but you don't need a spotter. I have poor eyesight but don't leave puddles on the floor. It's pure laziness.

At any rate, the outhouse was clean and I did my business and pressed on.

Speaking of eyesight, I was having some trouble with mine on the trip down. Not anything to worry about, but it was blurrier than normal. I had to exercise extra caution on the trip. But it was a minor inconvenience.

There was heavy traffic almost the entire way, up to and including on the quiet rural highway that takes me to the Hilton. Not sure why; it didn't seem that a lot of campers were at Clearwater Lake this weekend. I often wonder where so many people are going. Of course they probably wonder the same about me.

So, after the usual 3 hour trip (much like the ill-fated tour of the S.S. Minnow) I arrived at the overgrown turnoff to my property. Ah...just about there!

Nope. I found a felled tree blocking the drive. I got out and saw it was a pretty big tree, not huge, but big enough, I could drag it but not easily. I spent about half an hour dragging this thing out of the way, and having to move into the undergrowth. I didn't see any ticks (unusal for this time of year) but chiggers may be another question. I'll know in a day or so.

I cleared the road and drove on to - another fallen tree! This one was even larger and heavier, and it took me the better part of an hour to pull out of the way.

And then there was another!

It was starting to get monotonous!

I finally cleared most of the drive and came to the REAL roadblock; a huge tree had fallen over the road last year and I had labored to clear it to no avail. There was room to turn my truck around, but just barely, and I often had to make endless turns and backups to get the cumbersome F150 facing the right direction. They I have to hoof everything in. It's not so bad when you are leaving and your cooler is empty, but its a real bitch when the cooler is full.

I had brought my old chainsaw down as well as fuel and oil. I had tried to cut through this tree with a saw and ax but after hours of work still had 1/3 of it left - and when it was severed it would probably STILL be too large to drag out of the way. I needed that chainsaw.

Of course that meant I couldn't get it started. Try as I might the accursed things never so much as deigned to cough. After multiple attempts I had to give up. It was getting late - late enough that I had to get on with other chores.

So I unloaded the truck, turned her around (running over a sapling that refused to break off and made noises that worried me as I feared it would puncture a tire)  and hoofed my gear the fifty or so yards to the cabin.

In my "front yard" I noticed all sorts of spots that looked like something had been scratching at the ground. The leaves were all disturbed, rooted up. I thought it might be deer, but it turned out the culprit (one of them, at any rate) was a snake. I found his skin laying close to the steps of my porch (which is made from pallets on cinder blocks with 2x6  boards on top).

Not sure what kind of snake this was. I don't know much about snakes, but I do worry about copperheads. The Ozark Hilton is on a ridge and is reasonably dry with little in the way of vegetation other than trees, and no grass. Not sure if copperheads would find that place appealing. But I don't want to find out.

I had a snake in the cabin who turned out to be a black ratsnake. They don't bother people and are non venomous (being constrictors) and they eat a lot of mice and rats. Good neighbors out here! I was content for him to live there as long as he liked, provided he didn't decide my foot was a rodent of some sort.

At any rate, the cabin itself was in pretty decent shape. There was a bit of debris on the floor, but that is normal enough after a long absence. Mice love to mess stuff up (a pox upon them!) I did a little bit of cleaning up and settled on the porch.

It was a beautiful evening! But the sun was low in the sky and it takes a while to clean, trim, and fuel my kerosene lamps. I barely had enough time to get them done before it got dark.

The simple life isn't so simple. There are lots of things we take for granted in civilization that require labor in a state of nature. Light for one; lamps have to be cleaned after every use, and their wicks trimmed. Oh, and the cheap ones available at Walmart just don't last very long. I rarely get much more than a year out of them. I have all kinds of lantern parts lying about the cabin, the remains of my faithful if short-lived servants. Then there is the matter of water; I have to lug it down. I DO have a rainbarrel which fills up but the water also gets full of green slime. I use it to clean my lamps, and that is all.

My two armadillo friends came out from their home under the cabin at twilight to search for bugs. I like the ugly little critters! They don't know how to walk in the forest and stomp around like drunken men. That same pair has been there many years now. I remember when they mated; they made very impolite growling sounds then it was two coconuts knocking together. Never witnessed anything like that in my life.

It was getting late so I went inside to watch movies. I used to read when I could see, but it's impossible. Even if there was adequate light I wouldn't really be able to do it. I now take down a portable DVD player and some discs.

In this instance I took down TWO DVD players. It had been so long I had forgotten which one worked and which one didn't.

The first one I tried didn't. The second one was out of juice. I plugged it into the battery and still nothing. Eventually, after fiddling with the plug, I got power, but then I had to use the ear-buds (if you don't the battery will drain) and they were twisted into a gordian knot that was nigh unto untangleable. After working on them for at least half an hour I rooted in my "country bag" and found a brand new pair.

Sat and watched five episodes of Breaking Bad, of which I have a box set.

I wound up going to bed after 3 a.m. That is common at the Ozark Hilton; I never want to sleep while I'm there. I can get plenty of sleep at home.

So I had an uneventful journey home the next morning.

It always amazes me how well that crazy shack holds up. I know how poorly it was built.

Anyway, I will probably go there again in a week or so. If everyone stays healthy and I can get gasoline I'll be fine. Oh, and another chainsaw, of course; I really need to clear that road.  I am sore as can be this fine morning from everything. It would be a lot easier if I could just drive up to the cabin.

So, until next time, cheers!

Posted by: Timothy Birdnow at 09:09 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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