Timothy Birdnow

It's been a long time coming, but I finally made it back to the Ozark Hilton.

In our last episode - over a month ago - I accomplished a whole lot of nothing, and this trip was no better. But it was interesting.

The weather was warm but not boiling hot, and it seemed like a good idea to get down there. Everyone was reasonably healthy and I didn't have to worry overmuch, and I was moving my bowels well (that is a big consideration for Hiltoning; no bowel movement and you have to fear a night move - something dreaded down there in those woods. Or if you get the other problem, you know, well, then you spend your time sitting with an exposed posterior, ripe for all the blood sucking types...)

So I took off in the truck with my spiffy new chainsaw, a gallon of fuel for it, and my usual gear - cooler, portable dvd player, 12 volt marine battery, and a bunch of movies, etc.

The trip went without incident, not even a stop at my usual outhouse on the way (it's in a state park and I spend FAR too much time there!)

Now I'm a confirmed pessimist and not without cause; I've learned that when things are going well disaster awaits. I was right.

I found my turnoff onto the once-logging trail and now private drive to the grand estates of TK Birdnow Esquire and the famous Ozark Hilton. In summer that turn can be hard to see - which is the way I like it. Keeps would be thieves away. But it can also keep would-be owners away (would be because the animals are the REAL owners of that land) and I don't see so well anymore. But I know where the turnoff comes in and found it and made my turn.

And was rewarded with an enormous pop for my troubles. I knew that sound; the sound of a tire blowing out.

For one moment I thought about driving down to the cabin, and I put the truck in gear. Sanity returned almost immediately; if I did that and needed to call someone they wouldn't come down that trail; no same person would. I had to stay at trailhead and work on it there. I can't get t the clearing where I would work on it anyway; there is a big fallen tree blocking the road (which is why I had my spiffy new chainsaw). Had I driven down I would have been even more insane than most people think I am.

Luckily I have a good spare. I took out my jack - a floor jack - and began hunting for a place to jack up the vehicle.

And found none. There was nowhere I could place that jack and get it high enough to raise the vehicle to where I could remove the tire.

I called my buddy 7lb Dave, a former autobody man turned insurance appraiser, and he told me where to stick it. I tried, I really did, but I couldn't get the jack to operate that deep under the truck (I only had a short crowbar and needed something much longer.) I had to call the Auto Club.

(BTW, I am glad Dave didn't tell me to stick it somewhere more uncomfortable; that would HURT!)

Nobody wanted to come. It took well over an hour for AAA to find a serviceman willing to drive out to this remote location. And then it took another three hours for him to get there. I waited with that truck for over four hours. As it was hot I had the engine running and the a/c blasting, so it wasn't TOO bad, and I'm used to waiting. My life is nothing but an eternal waiting room these last few years.

Eventually a man showed up and he had the right equipment. I was changed in a matter of less than five minutes.

He apologized for the delay; he said he had to drive fifty miles to get to me! He was rather bitter about it; there are AAA services within a few miles of my location but they all refused the job. And this on a Saturday on what was probably the best outdoor weekend we were going to have until August.

The Ozark Hilton is very rural, but it is also in a resort type area. There is a fine Army Corps of Engineers lake nearby (Clearwater Lake) and several great floating rivers. It's an outdoorsman's paradise. Sadly, I rarely make use of any of it as I am going by myself all the time and rarely get there early enough and generally want to go home the next day right away. But it's there for my enjoyment if I so choose. Clearwater Lake has a nice sand beach swimming area, for instance, and on hot days I will sometimes go there to "bathe" as I am drenched with sweat and filthy.

So, after leaving my home at 11 a.m. I finally actually arrived after 6!

So, no cabin repairs, no cutting up that fallen tree, no nothing. I just had time to unload and do the basics of cabin maintenance.

Which proved far more difficult than I had anticipated. Someone - or something - had invaded my cabin!

The front door was standing wide open. Now, that door's hinges had come loose and one of my projects slated for this weekend was to reattach it. It didn't close real well when I left last time, but now it was wide open and the cabin looked - defiled. It did NOT look like animal defilement though; that usually entails a bunch of stuff knocked over, small debris on the floor, etc. There was some debris on the floor, notably a pack of batteries I had left there was spilled out, but it was - odd. Things weren't quite where I remember them being. One of my electric camping lanterns was moved into an odd place, and another battery-operated light was just gone. I don't know where but I sure couldn't find it. And in the "inner cabin", the "bedroom" as it were, a large and heavy storage box was pushed out from under my kitchen table into the middle of the floor. I don't know how an animal could do that unless it was very big.

On the other hand, I keep a couple of bottles of liquor there, sometimes for a drink but more for a bribe in case of just such an incident, and they were all still there. If some hill folk did invade my cabin they didn't drink. I didn't really see much else missing either but that one light. Kids just rummaging around, I suppose. Or agile, strong animals of some sort.

But the door tot he "inner cabin" was still closed. Odd.

So I had to clean up the mess (the whole cabin is a mess, but I at least keep the floor clean; I have wanted to build a storage shed for a long time now but ill health and lack of time have prevented it). By then it was after seven and time was not my friend. I had to get my kerosene lights serviced, which entails trimming the wicks, cleaning the glass globes, and filling them and lighting them up. As I generally light around eight such lamps/lanterns it takes a while. I barely made it; the light was almost gone by the time I got the last of them lit.

It was still pretty hot so I parked myself on my chair on the porch. I had an armadillo show itself, but only one. I hope nothing happened to it's mate. They almost always show up in pairs, two very large shelled beasts hunting the ground for bugs in the twilight or early night. But this time there was only one. I've seen this pair grow from little armadillos into impressive adults over the years. I remember their mating ritual; they would growl impolite noises at each other, then went at it with a sound like coconuts clinking together. I thought I was in Monty Python and the Holy Grail! They were just little kids back then. Now they are big and I wouldn't want to tussle with them. Also, they have learned how not to walk so noisily. I used to hear them well before seeing them, but not so much anymore. I still hear them, but they are more ginger afoot.

They clearly live under the cabin. i don't mind; keeps the rodent population down.

Lots of tree frogs that night too. That is a lovely sound.

It's too bad I've junked up the cabin itself and the immediate environment around it. I need to haul away some trash, and I need a storage facility for things I think I can use. Right now it's like a junk yard, and my cabin like Fat Albert;s clubhouse. For that matter, given the amount of weight I've gained in recent years, I LOOK like Fat Albert, albeit a bit paler. And I don't say "hey, hey, hey!"

At any rate, that's when the phone calls started. Cathy usually calls me once or twice, but them my brother called, and he kept me on the phone for quite some time. Then I checked on my dad (Brian was worried about him; he was coughing a lot.) Everyone wanted to talk that night, and I had been burning my phone charge with AAA anyway. I feared running out of battery and with the luck I was having I had no spare tire and could well have another flat - with no phone! I eventually just had to turn it off.

So finally well after 10 I went in to watch something on my dvd player.

The accursed thing was dead.

Now, you can run it with little charge provided you plug it in to the marine battery. But it has to have some charge in the machine or it will shut off until it charges up. I plugged it in and went away for a while. Came back - still dead! It's sometimes tricky to get the DC plug into the battery properly.

I screwed around with it and went away again. Still nothing. I wish there was a thing on the dvd player - or the battery -telling me the charger is working, but there isn't.

I FINALLY got the stupid machine working about midnight.

So I watched it until 2 a.m. when fatigue overcame me.

Now I just sleep in an easy chair there. It's not a recliner though, so it's only good for a couple of hours. I have a futon in the "inner cabin" that I used to ope but it's too much trouble so I usually sleep there in winter where it's a couch. But I generally close the "inner cabin" in summer, preferring the brighter and somewhat cooler "outer cabin". Chair sleeping is just the price I pay. But sleeping in a chair becomes uncomfortable after a couple of hours. My legs start to hurt, or at least get stiff.

So I was up by 6:30. I had a couple of repairs in mind for the outside (my stovepipe chimney had fallen down and there is now a substantial opening into the cabin that I wanted to at least seal with some plastic temporarily, for example) but I was too tired and dragged out.

Since I now have to park at the road blockage about 75 yards away and shlepp my stuff to and from the car, I put a plastic chair about half way and have to plop down in it. Congestive Heart Failure sucks; it means no wind and you get exhausted so easily. But it's what I have to do. I always feel like an athlete in an Olympic event when I go there!

I dearly wanted to get home so I just packed up and left. The front door is still off it's hinges but I was able to get it closed better. Hopefully nobody else will want in for the luxurious facilities of the OH!

Uneventful drive home, except I had to stop at my favorite outhouse on the way. I knew I couldn't avoid using that fetid hole in the gound, not even for one trip!

So I was pretty exhausted yesterday. Slept a couple of hours when I got home and really sawed some logs last night. My body always feels like I ran a marathon after going there, even though I did little. And the bug bites will drive me crazy for the next few days. Still, I feel a certain kind of wholesomeness about it; my body knows this is our ancestral heritage, that it's the way people used to live.I may be uncomfortable, but it's a healthy kind of uncomfortable.

At any rate, I accomplished a whole lot of nothing, didn't even get to try out my new chainsaw. But it was still a good visit; they always are! There is nothing like the peace of the deep woods. Nothing.

Posted by: Timothy Birdnow at 09:16 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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