Timothy Birdnow

After a deep freeze gripped the lovely state of Missouri for a few weeks, our fair land enjoyed a respite with temperatures warming into the 40's last night and up to 60^ today. Now, I don't go to the Ozark Hilton on cold days, largely because the junkyard paradise is drafty and heated with a barrel on it's side, which makes it difficult to get warm on really cold days. But temperatures in the 30's and 40's are ideal, even with the poor, wet wood I accumulated in my wood pile (most of it comes from fallen dead wood on the property.) So I took advantage and headed down into the mountain country.

For new readers the Ozark Hilton is a cabin I built from old boards and debris I dragged out of alleys here in St. Louis. I own 20 acres of hardwood forest down in south central Missouri, not far from the beautiful Clearwater lake. My lovely cabin may be a bit rustic (ahem!) but it is a wonderful place; beautiful land on a sloping hillside that ends in a valley. It sits right off a highway, but a very quiet rural two lane state highway and not some bustling road. The Ozark Hilton (a local in a bar in town dubbed it that when I said we were camping in the hills) has no amenities, no hot tub, no central heat or air, no refrigerator. There are no utilities, no electric, no running water, no toilet. I light the place with kerosene lamps, heat it with a wood fire in a barrel with a stovepipe sticking out of the top, cool it with a battery operated fan. I used to read down there but my eyesight has gotten bad, so now I bring down a portable dvd player and a jumpstarter battery and watch movies. If you have to go to the bathroom you can use a bucket, if you have to do the other thing you better be able to hold it until morning!

Not that that's always been the case; I've had to schlepp out into the darkness with a lantern on more than one occasion. My toilet consists of two pairs of cinder blocks and a toilet seat. You really don't want to use the "facillities" in the dark, because there are animals prowling about. I have heard coyotes, opossums, even what I suspect was a wolf family once. Oh, and SOMETHING came to call when I brought my now deceased male cats - something that cooed until it roared, sounding like I expect a dinosaur must have sounded. I think it may have been a mountain lion, which do often show up in this very rural country. Oh, and on the other side of the valley there is a place called Bear Mountain. Not eager to find one of THOSE!

At any rate, I saw one of the most beautiful sights ever while using the fresh air toilet late one night. It was winter and an unnatural warmth had crept in, along with a heavy fog. The fog settled into both hollows on either side of my property, and the sky was clear, stars blazing. I seemed to be on an island in a sea of fog, as if the world had ended except for my modest cabin. It was an amazing sight!

At any rate, I had a problem; the Missouri Department of Transportation (MODOT) redid the road, eliminating the shoulder and raising it up considerably. Where once I could simply drive a car down to the property i suddenly found my access blocked, with a drop of at least 2.5 feet and a concrete lip. I contacted MODOT and they would fix it provided I got permission from the landowner who has the property that abuts the road (mine doesn't, but I have an easement, one that has been used for years with a logging trail.) I never could reach the landowner, who appears to be an elderly gentleman somewhere in the area, probably the owner of a logging company.

I took to parking on a county road nearby and hoofing it in. A couple of years of this ended abruptly when some idiot broke into my car, stealing maybe two bucks worth of change (and costing me a couple of hundred in repairs.) I had to do something. I needed a new vehicle anyway, so I bought a full size pickup truck. It got me down the hump, but I smacked bottom whenever I went down or up, a horrible, sickening sound. I solved my problem, though, by hauling down bags of dirt and bags of gravel and dumping them in the ditch to raise the access. It worked, and the last few times I went to the OH I barely scraped bottom!

Well, MODOT had a Christmas Gift waiting for me! Somebody poured a pad, a real honest-to-goodness access! I drove past it, not believing my eyes! I turned around and exited the highway from the west - something I never could do in the past. It was wonderful, the ease of access. I can now drive a car, not just a truck, to the cabin and I won't have to worry.

I wonder; when I visited in November deer hunters were camping on the other side of the hollow (not my property) and it rather frightened me. Maybe THEY requested this? Maybe THEY are the owners of the top portion, and perhaps they plan to do something? My wife thinks so, and is worried about it. Me, I don't think so. I have an easement and they have to give me ingress. What happened?

Well, Missouri has a new Republican governor coming in and MODOT may have had some money left, money they needed to spend to get next year's budget. And my access point was causing some erosion on the roadway, so they may have decided to just go ahead and pour me a drive.

I am not used to such pleasant surprises, and I am delighted to have this. I fear it is a bit visible, though, and I may wind up with unwanted guests at the lovely OH. Ah, well; all the locals knew it was there and many had checked it out anyway. I learned long ago not to lock it lest someone break in. I also don't leave anything valuable there. The locals have a rigid code of honor about this sort of thing, too, as they are all vulnerable as well. I suspect the thief who broke into my car was a tourist - it was the Fourth of July, and a lot of tourists were visiting the lake.

At any rate, we rarely get such fine gifts in this life. I was very pleasantly surprised.

Now if I can just get a flushing toilet...

Posted by: Timothy Birdnow at 06:20 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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