Timothy Birdnow

It's been a while since my last visit to the Ozark Hilton and it was a beautiful Day - just about eighty degrees for a high! I wasn't planning on attending the O.H. but my wife talked me into it.

I wasn't feeling great that morning and took too much time deciding whether to go or not. But i finally left and hit the road after one p.m.

It's a long trip; about three hours. Traffic was heavy and it was stop and go in many places. I had to stop at my favorite outhouse in the whole wide world - the St. Francois State Park outhouse. I visit regularly and really think there should be some sort of memorial plaque in my honor! But this time I didn't have to take a seat, just drain the main vein. So I was soon off.

It was a rather grueling drive but eventually I came to the turnoff and drove down my homemade dirt road.

I neared the cabin and realized something was amiss. One of my barbeque pits was at the opening to the clearing of the cabin.

Had a bear come through and dragged it?

I had to move the lid, which was in the middle of the road and dented in. Wasps were inside the lid, and not very happy, so I chucked it as far as I could and hopped back into the truck.

When I pulled up to the cabin I could see there was trouble. A whole pile of rolled up newspapers, which I had brought down there over the years to use as insulation when I put all the interior walls in place, were laying out on the porch, a big pile. The front door was open wide.

Inside was a total disaster; everything overturned, tossed around. My ladder - the most valuable thing there, was gone. The t.v. table which I use for my portable DVD player was gone. My ax, my hatchet, my saw, my hammer - all gone. Everything was flipped over, all the chairs and the tables. My lanterns and kerosene lamps were gone, except for perhaps the most valuable, a hot blast lantern, an antique. I actually had lost it a couple of years ago; it had apparently fallen off the table it was on. It was still in decent shape, no broken glass! As a light it is poor; hot blast lanterns draw up the smoke and other combustion and recycle it to the bottom of the lantern. In theory it should produce a bright flame because it is drawing air around. In practice it produces a pretty weak orange flame because there is too much co and co2 reducing combustion. They were abandoned decades ago in favor of the now standard and much better cold blast lanterns, which draw in fresh air.

So I did keep that. They also left my camping fan. It's batteries were out so they probably thought it didn't work. That's good; it was pretty pricey when I bought it.

There may have been other good things left but I didn't see any of it.

It was by now well after five and time was breathing heavily down my neck. I had brought a few battery-operated lights and some batteries (which I now take home after the last time they hit me and stole them all) and I still had the hot blast lantern and one other that may or may not have worked. So I could stay. But it was going to be a real bear just to clean up the debris enough for me to plunk my weary bones down in my chair.

They had stolen my lighters too. I had one in the truck for just such an emergency, but it frosts me they couldn't even leave me that. And the mess! It's bad enough they robbed me, but did they had to make such a mess? It's not like they needed to fear anyone showing up at any moment. They had plenty of time.

When something buzzed my head inside the cabin I decided to pack it in. That something sounded very much like a wasp; probably one of the sentries who guarded the barbeque pit before these clowns tried to steal it. And I knew from past experience the wasps wouldn't give me a whole lot of leeway. They buuzz you, then hit you in the head, then sting. Sometimes they just buzz you then sting. This fellow was decently warning me away. But warning me he was.

He may also have been in a nest somewhere inside the cabin and we had a live and let live relationship until these jackasses tore the place up. Now he wasn't going to tolerate any more humans causing trouble.

At this point I decided it just wasn't my night. I hadn't even unloaded the truck, and I took my hot blast lantern and my fan and bolted.

One final thought; I suspect the barbeque pit on the road was abandoned when my friends inside decided enough was enough. Hopefully they stung the daylights out of the thieves. One can hope, anyway. In the end they may have tried to protect Chez Birdnow, the now sad, plundered Ozark Hilton.

I guess it'll be downgraded to the Ozark Motel Six.

Anyway, another long drive home. I was getting worried; it was getting dark and I have trouble seeing when it does. I took out my night glasses and it was a little better, but it was sure tough going by the last few miles. Completely dark, even if I was in the city now.

But I made it home and to my great good fortune my parking spot in front of the house wasn't taken. Cathy said it had been earlier.

So the Ozark Hilton trip was a huge bust. I'll have to go there very early next time to clean up, and buy some new lamps which I will have to keep in the truck. The back seat of the truck is getting like Mr. Whoopie's closet from Tennessee Tuxedo; open the back door and a huge amount of junk falls on you. But the inside of the cabin now looks as bad.

Anyway it may be a while before I get back there. I'm just exhausted thinking about all the work those creeps put me through. They even stole my firewood and some milk crates and storage containers I had down there.

Breaks my heart; country folk don't usually do that. And they were country folk; nobody else would be crazy enough to go down that ridiculous trail to the cabin.

Oh well; I'll keep you all posted about my next trip, whenever it will be.

Posted by: Timothy Birdnow at 08:01 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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